What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:25
Especially a lifetime of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I said to her
She found it foreign!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
Who then, do I blame.?
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So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
If my lovely sister sleeps with my boyfriend, what should I do about her?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
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We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
I was 9 years of age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
This is soul school!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was very sick at this time too.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Comes on , in middle age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I never cut or harmed myself..
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.